Author Archives: Mel

We booked high tea at The Westin in Melbourne for 11am today…on the assumption we would sleep in and make it brunch. That failed miserably because the beds in this hotel are a bit shit (still can’t beat the location/price though) so we were up early clothes shopping.
Anyway – back to high tea. High tea at The Westin is very fancy and there’s quite a big price range to suit different drink tastes – no alcohol, a little bubbly, bubbly on tap and a very $$ option for those who like a glass of Moët – plus the hot/iced chocolates are included which was a big plus for me.

The food was pretty good with a mix of normal food and weird stuff that still tasted good, they also catered for shellfish allergies with no issues whatsoever. The venue location left a bit to be desired (in the main lobby of the hotel) but we spent a pleasant few hours drinking herbal tea, eating tiny food morsels and people watching from the Lobby Lounge out on to Swanston Street. 

After high tea, we finished the rest of our outlet mall shopping (I swear, B has bought more clothes on this trip than I have!!) including a trip out to Snowgum. I’m still considering another visit to Dangerfield but I’m not sure if the bank account can hack it….I NEED MORE SQUIRREL DRESSES THOUGH! They had panda themed stuff and I was tempted. So tempted. 

Dinner tonight (post-nap of course) was at China Red which came highly recommended for cheap, easy and very tasty dumplings. I love the fact you order everything on touch screens – woo, no people skills needed – and the food itself arrived in good time and was fresh and tasty. Plus, I got a curly straw in my drink! The vegetable dumplings were so good they may have ruined me for future vegetable dumplings. 

Then there was nitro lab ice cream for dessert *drooool* ferrero rocher for me and golden daytime for B. I swear I’m going to put all the weight I’ve lost in the last two months back on in this week alone! So. Much. Yum. 

After dinner we had our first venture into Max Watts Comdey Club to watch Joel Creasey’s show “Poser”. 

It was a bit of a shitty venue to get into (a long queue outside and one set of small stairs to cram down) but the lights and stage view were spot on from pretty much anywhere in the venue. The show itself was funny, with lots of digs at other comedians and celebrities. Plus we all got free hydrodol, rebranded as “hydro-joel” at the end which will be a very useful thing indeed for the hangover we are both expecting from tomorrow night’s adventure! 

Happy 34th birthday to my faaaaavourite human ❤❤❤ on special days like this he lets me post photos of him (kinda)…

After birthday present handover we headed out for breakfast treats at RMB cafe and Little Cupcakes (another laneway visit – yay) and then stopped briefly at Dangerfield. I say briefly but this was my first visit there and IT IS AMAZING. I spent lots of $$$. Whoops. Then I let B explore in a geek toy shop to make up for it and he bought himself a birthday present….

After shopping and wandering it was birthday massage time! We went to the Botanica Day Spa at the Rialto Hotel in Melbourne. I had booked it as a surprise but they rang me to confirm a few weeks ago and B answered while I was driving….so surprise fail. We had a couples massage and a facial each, B liked the massage although he felt too much butt cheek was involved. I agree. The hotel the day spa was part of was completely insane – I bet you they have comfortable pillows and no stupid asshats stomping around above the room *sigh*. I say that but for the price we paid our hotel location really is unbeatable. Plus we have a kitchen! 

After massage time we had a rest before Mexican for dinner at Touche Hombre. This has been on my list of places to go in Melbourne for the last theee visits – and we finally got to go! B thought the tiny tacos were on point and was suitably impressed with the decor as well. 

Tonight’s comedy show was stand up comedian Des Bishop “Grey Matters” and I chose it specifically for a birthday show because the show spiel sounded like something a newly minted mid-30s guy (haha, my silver fox) might like: 

One of Ireland’s most successful comedians returns to Australia with a show about getting older. Shocked by turning 40, Des has caught himself saying things like ‘in my day’.

Not married and without kids, Des thoroughly enjoys being the backseat parent amongst his friends. This show sees Des tackle the issues confronting him these days: modern day parenting, why he’s glad he’s not a teenager nowadays, erectile dysfunction, would you kill Hitler as a baby and why Des was inspired by his niece to end period shaming. It’s straight stand-up at its best.

It was a great show. We were front fricking row and B got picked on a grand total of three times….once for his age (with a round of applause for his birthday), once for his relationship status and then he was asked if he had ever had erectile dysfunction! B’s comment on the show was “consistently funny, I laughed the whole time”. 

6:30am alarm on a wet and dreary day – blergh! 

After some online research for day trips and how to get out to visit Puffing Billy and other areas outside Melbourne without a car, we opted to go with a Viator Tour (local operator: AAT Kings) who collected us from our hotel. We were the last pick up at 7:35am before a full bus headed out of Melbourne towards the Dandenongs.

Our first stop was near Belgrave Station for morning tea and bird feeding. Mmmm fresh homemade scones. 

Then we boarded Puffing Billy for a 20 min trip to Menzies Station. It was still raining and drizzly but the view was still very impressive – rainforest everywhere! The train was….cool? It was very train-like. You could actually sit on the carriage edges which surprised me, I would think we would nanny-state out that kind of thing. 

After photo ops with the locomotive, we headed off to the Yarra Valley for the winery part of our day. We visited: 

Rochford Winery – #1 choice here was the Pinot Noir 

(No photo – I was too busy scoffing lunch)

Dominique Portet – #1 choice here was the 2016 Fontaine Cab Sav

Yering Station – #1 choice here was the cider 

We bought wine at each and were very impressed. Dominique Portet was particularly good and isn’t available in retail stores so definitely worth a visit if you’re in the area.

After a 2hr coach trip back to Melbourne we again found ourselves at “Impromptunes” because it was JUST SO GOOD THE FIRST TIME! Tonight’s improvised musical topic was the first (and last) performance of: Toejam – a soliloquy! 

After a horrible nights sleep (thanks to the asshat above us who spent the whole night traipsing back and forth in their apartment), today started with breakfast at laneway stop #2 RMB Cafe and some delicious treats from Doughnut Time. 
Then, an uber ride to what I had been quietly dreading….Zero Latency. Their website is: https://zerolatencyvr.com if you want to know more but basically they kit you out with a VR headset and then you roam around in an open factory space killing zombies….but it doesn’t look like an open factory because of the VR….it looks like you’re in a video game! I was a bit uncertain about it all. 

My first question was: what about the walls? Not an issue – the game has in built tricks to ensure you don’t face plant into a real life wall, and warning did you still manage to wander off on your own. This was closely followed by my second question: what if i suck? Well, then the zombie horde eats you. So yeah. Zombie death.

We paid $88 each for 45mins game play and it was actually good fun. B the geek was SO EXCITED. Like, next level excited – to the point where he was quoting me zombie speeches before the event – so it was really worth it just for that aspect. It was also a fun thing to do on a day with shitty weather! Definitely a gamer thing rather than a Mel thing though. B came first which he was pretty stoked with, I felt a little bad for the 12 year old who he beat by 1 point ON HIS BIRTHDAY though. Meanie. In case you were wondering, I came last – but I did a lot better than I thought I would! 

After zombie killing we shopped at Queen Victoria Markets for my new shoes and the most delicious bratwurst sausage I’ve ever had.

Then – nap time. I needed it after all that zombie horde killing. After napping, we went back to the actual reason we were in Melbourne: The Comedy Festival! At 6pm we ubered up to the Trade Hall to watch “Impromptunes: the completely improvised stage musical” which was AMAZING! So good in fact we have booked to again tomorrow night. I’m hoping for an even better musical than ‘Jurassic Ark’.

Afterwards, we went to the Athenaeum Hall (incidentally, it is literally next door to the hotel) for the 8:30pm show of “Straight Outta Compo”, a sketch show by the guys who did Fat Pizza. We booked because it was listed as a 1 hour show but it turned out to be longer (grrrr ticketek) although it was very funny. The crowd demographic was very interesting, it’s not often I can identify as an ethnic minority! 

Tomorrow we are off to the Dandenongs and Yarra Valley for the day. Wiiiiiine. And trains. Mostly wine. 

We checked in to Adara Collins at 2pm for our 9 days here – such a nice quiet little hotel and ridiculously central. To give you an idea of how central it is for all the comedy stuff, we are the blue dot: 

After some careful reading of the comedy festival guide, we bought impromptu tickets to the afternoon performance of SOAP at The Malthouse – a very funky looking venue! The walk there was about 30 mins but the weather was nice (at that point – by the time we left the venue it was bucketing rain) and there was some cool building art along the way.

The show was a dance/cabaret/circus performance revolving around water. B’s comments on it were:

1. Any show that has Tool songs in it must be good 

2. This further reinforces his position that since meeting me, he now only likes going to the circus when there are half naked people performing….

I loved all of it – but this is definitely my kind of show. My favourite act was the bath tub dance guy. Wow. Note: not my photo as not photography allowed.

From there, we had a quick dinner at Niewu Amsterdam (Laneway stop #1 for this trip!!) and then moseyed over to the stand up show “Australia: A Whinging Poms Guide” at Touche Hombre. We were early so bagsed a couch and I had a very strong margarita. Mmmm tequila. Mmmm.

The comedian (Dan) was very good and the tix were only $20 – he’s been doing versions of this show for a very long time so if you ever get the chance to see him at a fringe festival or comedy road show, I highly recommend.

It’s now 8:46pm and while the rest of Melbourne is getting ready to party….we are so ready for bed. Zzzzzz.